My ears are lonely

I broke my ipod like 2 weeks ago. FUCK!!!! Gots to get a new one soon. I been going crazy without my Amy Winehouse and Rick Ross (I worked very hard on my playlists...I'm a music lover for real). I did however have sum music from my peoples that I cant get back do to location and the fact I dont even know if they my peoples anymore. But no love loss. My concern is that I actually have to listen to assholes in the street instead of pretending they dont exist

I get lost in the beat

Personal Bizness @ the job

I made the assistant manager look like an ass today. He tried to get at me on sum violent shit. He thought he knew more people than me. He aint know I was a D girl before I became a dancer. I'm not going to go into details. Cuz I AM professional god dammit!! I guess I'm still not asshole proof.

Dont be mad cuz I can dance...

There was like this little dancehall contest last night some other gal one, i was runner up but the other chick was looking sick out the face. I just came to dance not to make a scene. So I went bout my bizness smoking my L. When I went in the bathroom she came in after me but I was already in the toilet and this was how it went...
Lame bitch: She had to be a stripper cuz u only where them types of thongs when u dancing i been to strip clubs before
Her friend: Yeah thats the only reason. She move around like she having a seizure. She kept covering her lightr when she was lighting her blunt like she was outside. Crackheads do that...
(I comes out, washes my hand, dry it, look at them through the mirror and say)
"Yeah you can only get this if you dance...." bent over so they could see the design good, then I walked out. I'm not fighting bitches no more. I'm ENLIGHTENED

FYI: when u stand close to the speakers it blow the lighter out

I cant believe I'm still alive...

Its 1:10 March 30. And I just realized I havent been to sleep in 32 hours...that is a personal best for me. I tried to cop a wink in the VIP room but the leather on the seats was too cold and everyone was driving me insane...

Me and B

Its like a ritual. She get her thug on I gets my dance on. Everybody kno us by Lil and Big Sister. All the shorties buy us drinks first. The DJ scream our names as soon as we walk in (blowing us up). We dance all night. Sometimes on the speakers. Bud's is my favorite club for a couple of reasons 1)Its nearby 2)Its a yard affair always 3) you can smoke. Friday night is all bout that cab, that piff, them lights and my sister. Love you Byina. Ebony too.

Try better than that pa...

This guy asked me if he can holla. I tell him I'm married nigga had the unemitigated gall to say,"You cant be happily married if you work in this nasty spot"
"I dont dance in nasty spots, there is a dressing room showers and at least 3 bathrooms wherever I work."
"Nah not nasty like that. I meant it in describing the place."
"You in here you must be a nasty nigga"
"I'm just saying I got 500 if you hop in the whip"
"Pa my hubby make 5k a day. He buying me a whip. Be easy."
"Bitch!"
"Thank you"

Rethinking the Vegetarian thing...

Basically I want to eat meat while its still good and thats going to be until December 31 2009. The World Health Organization (WHO) will be injecting every living animal that is used for meat (cows, goats, lambs, chicken, ox) with a some kind of hormone. Then they will be cloning cows. They say its to treat the animals but labratory tests have shown these injections will cause various cancer, tumors, ms, autism, sterilization....yeah I know

If You aint tipping get the fuck away from me?

Is it that hard to ask? This how I feel. A man knows the difference between a bar and strip club. So why would u come in the club. Post up and dont tip no one. Not one dollar. All you do is drink at the bar. I got a rule; Every mouthafucker who walk through them doors is giving me 5 dollars, thats the minimum, if you want to give me more or give me a VIP or Lapdance thats even better. Thats why I so affluent.
I'm shaking my ass, half naked, working up a sweat, living off red bulls, flipping upside down on a damn pole, got to pay tip in/tip out, eating/sleeping/living in this bitch and you cant give me one dollar?
Cheap muthafuckaz hate me. I shame them, at the bar in front of they boy (I'm reckless). Still made 4 bills tonight. Niggas think its a game.

**Fairytalez iz the Truth** said the DJ...

Ballaz pipe stand tall in they pantz
Youd tink Ima Indian the way I rain dance


(Constellation of a Block Star Mixtape, coming to a strip club near ya lmao)

14 Flashback

Its like I'm running into every asshole I paid sum attention to in my adolescence.
Okay, so I'm coming home with my chick Nay. She live right next door to me and she happened to be a feature at the club I was at tonight. We get a ride home together and I mean as soon as I hop out the whip and get my "dancer bag" this asshole I loss my virginity too (maybe that isnt the right term) step up and tries to holla but he notice it was me til I swept the hair out my face. He looked at Nay looked at me then asked where we was going and hollered at she. I comes back downstairs to walk my dog and this nigga still outside. It was like 5 in morning what the fuck was he doing? Even crackheadz sleep at that hour but anyway. He push up on me and asked me if I was "stripping" and I said "no, I'm bartending". I usually dont bitch up in front of niggas but that nigga got a "special" place in my chest. Not love in any form or fashion, not even like, its more like a seething hate.
Basically he told niggas that he rubbed chapped stick on my butt and dicked me down. In actuality he was drunk and didnt know where he was sticking it so I rubbed the chapstick on my cooty and bent over. I never told him I was a virgin so he assumed that he was in my butt. One day I'm walking out the Deli and this nigga scream in front of the whole 40 wolves crew that he fucked me in my ass. I HAD TO MOVE. Niggas would follow me home from school and say that shit. I was talking to one of my mother's friends she walked off and sum little niggas came out his face. When she turned around and looked at me I could have died.
I went to Brooklyn and aint come back all summer and half the fucking fall yo. Imagine being "that chick" and you aint? They was saying that shit so much I had to move before I started to believe it. Then came the weed selling, crack dealing, dope slinging...I'll stop there. I think the only thing I aint do is sell my pussy or kill a man...A Harlem Nigga Ruined My Life! (Life, being the time at that moment cuz Life great now)
Even now on a lonely night one of these old drunk assholes will come say sum shit like,"Let me do you in your butt." This is why I dont date Harlem niggas (you always remember your first 2 lhoodmao). Not to mention the fact he was 26 and I was 14.
I aint never raising a daughter in this bitch.

State Property 3? I aint wid that Tuesday shit....

My peoplez Sin Laddin called me over yesterday and asked if I wanted to audition for sTate Property 3. He signed the contract to be in the movie last week. I definately am, but I aint taking no chicken head, baby mama, set up ass, low ridin, low ballin, poo putt bitch roles. Ya smell me? I got a reputatation to uphold.
I would like to play sum1 like Freeway. A couple of scenes not saying much. Just making my statement. Cuz Free happened to be my favorite chracter in SP2 , who I couldnt stand was El Pollo Loco, Angie Martinez (aka Tuesday) and Dame Dash as usual. At least my baby Beanz will be there and hopefully he can shoot Dame dead lol
It's kinda ironic how Big Joe, from the first State Property is a cherished patron at the club I work @. Ima tell him tonight hopefully I dont got to audition and if I dont like the role I'm droppin the script ya dig? Ima write movies anyway...

Some Chickz I Wrote about in high school....

I read about these chicks in high school. Thy were part of sum all female rebel Liberian army (The one in the red name Black Diamond she was the General). These chickz was getting it in. Many of them were victims of rape, kidnapped from their families and almost all of them had see a family killed by the goverment. That was the day I became a feminist I think...

Lil 1

I don't like it when niggas come into my home and get tight wid me cuz I genuinely like Lil Wayne. Wat's wrong wid the lil nigga yo? Yes he does syrup. Yes he is a cokehead. But so is the president and he get regular airplay. I could never watch my morning rotation of Old Folk shows without this jackoff coming on. That was pre 2k8.
I digress, I got to hear bout niggas ghost writing for him, HIS long nights at the club and him kissing a nigga on the CHEEK. Basically shit I either dont pay no mind and dont care about.
I been a fan of Wayne since my wee years of high school when he aint have them damn dreds. And I consider myself an expert on the cadence of rappers and that nigga aint got no ghost writer...I wanna know what happen to get so nice but anyway...I'm an advocator of natural highs (which include marijuana, shrooms and forms of blow) so um I really dont care if this nigga does what he do cuz I keep large cloudz round my head. And as for kissing baby boy or birdman (his name escapes me), I'm not a fan of batty men or faggot (I didn't say gay) but James Baldwin was gay and he was one of the most advanced artists of his time. So if Wayne was gay I wouldnt care. And isnt he fucking Supahead? If he was gay she definately would hav blown him up by now...

Hope for the Idiot Box

I'm laid out on my shorty bed getting serviced and Zeitgeist comes on public access not the whole thing but the first segment. The part where they talked about the same royal family running the world throughout history. At that point my shorty stopped what he was doing and started listening. Its kinda ironic because I was talking to him about this a couple of weeks ago, he waved me off like I was a fruit fly and I believe called me paranoid. (Um hello, why not?) Anyway he kind of looked at me with a smirk. But at least he fed his brain.
After you watch Zietgeist, at least for me, it was like a light was turned on. I walked outside and everything I knew didnt make sense and then it did in a twisted horror movie kinda way. Almost everyone on my block is living like a pod person. Devoid of all creativity and original thinking. And a good amount will only belive what they see on tv (funny how basic cable is owned by te same people ch. 2,4,5,7,11).
Basically my point is if I can just happen upon Zeitgeist in the 3 hours of freedom i have after work and sleep then maybe the tv isnt so bad. I just got to screen my channels I guess...

I had to do one wack blog....

I hate my fucking job sumtimes lol word...

Gia in Honduras FEAT. Low Easy?

Wow, Low called me today and was like,"I'm ready to come to Honduras with you bitch..." she wants to bring a friend. But I really want to get on sum Left Eye shit and tell my life story (short as my life is) I think my experience is a trip. Drama, abortion, boyfriends that were reincarnated from Ike Turner, no daddy, stripper, poet, "gang banger". Ok. I'm not going to delve into all of my issues and near life experiences on camera. I dont want it popping up sumwhere and people tinking I'm damaged goods and going into "pity mode" I hate that shit. But I definatly want Low to film me talking about sum of my encounters, a before and after. I just dont know how long I'm staying; not to mention that this vacation and the 1116 are very close together. But going to Honduras this year is mandatory. I need to get away. I havent been on a real vacation since I was like 8 (I dont count U.S. states).
But if I go with Lauren will it still be spiritual? Not that she will annoy me or anything of that measure. But I believe that one has to be completely be in solace and deep silence to be spiritual (thus the reason I find church pointless). There is sumthing about listening to your heartbeat that is fascinating.

Not Quite an Athiest

So when I say I'm an athiest sun lover maybe I'm not using the right arrangment of words. I guess im a sun loving agnostic. or how about this; I'm a chick that has an unhealthy obsession with the sun, I know there is a God. I also know he doesnt reside in a damn book with absurd rules that people cannot possibly live by. For instance (Honor thy mother and father) suck a dick. Honor like respect and loyalty is earned. I honor my mother but I'm mildly affectionate wid my father...ya dig?...Mildly...i give what I get from people

**chuch**

Bajan, Bahamian, Geechie and Chinese?

Everybody in my family need to stop mixing our seeds...its real hard to make a family tree and all of your descedants literally come from all over the world. And I didnt even start on my mother's side yet...oy

Happy Bday Nelz

If she was still wid us she would be 21. Staring out of the staircase window curling her short hair wid her fingertips. We'd be drinking and laughing together, running toward the sun like it was God in the valley of Gedhi (Get High). Tripping over our heels in delight pointing to the corner and its residents laughing at they boredom. I miss her...
R.I.P. Ma

But you bitches in my hair like the fucking PO LICE

See that dude right there? Thats my peeps. That yellow stuff in his eyes is mace. I was tight. I felt helpless. Especially because we were collective telling the police our constitutional rights. They were violating at least 10. So when he didnt comply with diretions the officer maced him, when he still didnt move the police officer punched him several times in his face. Thats wack. I went to the precinct to check on him and the Lt. told me that neither him nor the officers had gotten there despite the fact I went home changed and walked 5 blocks to the 32nd precinct. Basically he lied to my face because the officers that had joined that Nazi in this power charge were standing on the side of the building like it was all good. Laughing at me. Then when I walked up the road weary from fighting badges and protocol rhetoric I realized they were laughing at us....

**chuch**

We were never a stereotype

I'm usually very honest with my customers unless its sum shit that they really have no business knowing i.e. "("How much do you make a night?") So when I tell them I have boyfriend and the like they are usually 1) surprised 2) turned off 3) think I'm lying. They surprised because they think a stripper is too much of a liability in a relationship (worrying bout the cheating). They are turned off because they know they cant fuck me or date me (sorry mate). And the majority that think I'm lying because they wouldn't or couldn't concieve an adult entertainment artist to have nothing more to offer than clapping ass and splits (there are still sum that think strippers are stupid, they never met me though, or my main bitches Eva and Extacy).
So its good Carlito is none of the 3. I make sure to tell him at least once a month that if I met him in the strip club we wouldnt have been this close...I think men that go to strip clubs is deficient. He says I would have boned him still...he still doesnt know me through and through I see...
Me and Lito are not the conventional couple (girl-next-door/son of the preacher man). We are definatly a conventinal hood couple (stripper/pharmicist). But that shit works. Thats why I can never get into people giving me advice, or telling me what's right as far as loving a person. I feel like if you wake next to that person and you want to go right back to sleep with them (actually sleep not fuckin). Ya'll must be doing something right.
So I stopped caring about what other people thought he was doing. I dont listen to my mother when she says he the devil (she isnt that great with them card ALL the time). I follow my head not my heart. And I look at things logically; I've dated good guys that have treated me like shit and the felon the one who treats me like a Queen. And talkin to each other @ 3 in the morning, teaching each other how to cook different varieties of pancakes got nothing to do with money....so.......
Breakfast in the morning...$30. Kush in the evening. $100. Kissing each others eyelids, listening to each other sleep, meditating under the sun in the backyard wid mimosas in our hand, finding new places for our hands and fingers...priceless

Last Summer
( in reference to the voicemail incident wid Tersit and Charles,smoking a blunt in the hole)
Carlito-"You need to stop fuckin wid them rappers...focus on real niggas
Gia- "I only focus on real niggas...."

Stay Away

I dont want to be around any stupid, self seeking or ego tistical people So if u been calling me and getting the voicemail. This is why....

Its too late for us but not for our kids.....

So apparently when your mommy or daddy took you to the hospital the vaccines they let the doctor give you for chicken pox, rubella, measles, the hpv bullshit (to name a few) contain formaldehyde, phenol, acetone, antifreeze, MSG, aborted fetus cells and a host of other shit right? That's the bad news the good news is that you can search on "vaccine exemption" and hopefully when they come out with a mandatory vaccine "that will save you" you wont have to succumb to the bullshit of the FDA

I wish my mother knew this shit....

http://www.truthzonetv.com/view_video.php?video_id=24

Wheelchairs at the Club

What is the deal with these "lame thugs" at the club in a wheelchair? Niggas that got shot in the spinal cord and dont want to pass up Fridays I guess. Well listen I smack niggas in they mouth when they touch my ass I dont care if they on Jordans or Wheels. Just because you handicap dont mean you can smack random ass at PJs.
I don't give special treatment to handicap people, besides the obvious courtesies you would show to a person in that position. But in truth most people are handicapped, there are just sum that are more obvious than others....

The Recurring One Night Stand

This dude I boned like 3 years ago can't get it through his head that I dont want to have relations with him. Apparently since he is always fresh and fly with Mauris and Guccis on his feet he feel like I'm letting sum golden oppurtunity slip through my fingers. He calls me at least every month telling me he just want to be friends and when I see him he is the Million Hand Monster.
But I only let him bone once because yes I thought he was cute but after boned I realized he didnt have much of a brain outside of Dipset, Hennysey and plotting to rob other niggas (some I knew). I dont want to be around no slouch lazy ass nigga like that yo. Thats a weak man.
The icing on the cake came when he wanted to go to his homeboy party on the other side of the hill on Broadway. We hop in the cab and we split up the fare so I told him to give me $3 since its 6. Then the cab driver gonna say its 8. I asked him for one extra dollar this dude is like,"Yo ma you fucking dance you make more money than me." What that got to do with me? I ask myself and then I did the thing a logical Harlem girl would do. I kicked him the fuck out the cab and balled those 3 dollars up and threw it at him. I went to a next party and let him walk 10 blocks home.
I'm not saying I'm a gold digger but if you saying you like me and all that ree ree ree and you cant put up a dollar you a stingy muthafucka (not only with ur guap but with yourself). I like to deal with dudes who is free with they money.
Like my Lito he represents for a Queen. Broke niggas stay far from me.

Finding God @ 4am

I don't like this new variety of preacher on BET Inspiration in the wee hours of night. For a couple of reasons. Bishop Jordan, Kerney Thomas, and that brittish chick be on tv talking all this bullshit about being happy. They dont say work hard, they dont say be honest, they dont say be a good neighbor but they do say use the law of attraction to get guap. Then they have these bullshit ass testimonials from people looking on pitchcards (you can see they pupils navigating left to right). I'm not a denominational follower of religion but occasionally I do like listening to ministers or imams if the message is perfect.
I love money. I love money so much I know it is a vice but I also know money has no place in my spirituality. Thus money cant make me happy or sad. Then they get these so called "spiritual" celebs to endorse
Jordans bullshit. Reverend Run actually said,"I told him (Bishop Jordan) that my sneakers sales had doubled and he said,'Jesus got them sneakers on his feet'. I mean hello. If I was a Christian I wouldn't listen to none of these prophets...in fact I would feel my intelligence being challenged.
And apparently if you want to be a prophet too all you have to do is send Bishop Jordan 3k and he will put you through the "Master Prophet training program"...
I believe in prophets, soothsayers and psychics...my mother is one...and I have had several readings with a lot of official tissue beings that are closer to spirit than any of these fake ass pulpit spitters. Real prophets dont want no money. Their wisdom is their currency.
I've come to the conclusion that the Bible is a mythological tale (like Beuwolf) and if you read alot of old literature alot of the text contains witches, demons and spells (in the Bibles case, certain psalms and proverbs). Imagine my amusement when they said,"Stay tune to this TELECAST" , them tv prechers warlock and witch them, they try puttin spellz on you,

On C ing the demon in Queens

this love shit b a hassle.

Tasty 21

It was nice having my first legal drink @ PJs. I wore a white bustier and my grandmother short cut wig tht made me look more Jamaican than Bajan (but I was still the sexiest gal in there) I went with my sister Byina we was illin all night all the chickens was hatin cuz we could actually wind up our waists and do the Drop Dead. All the ballers was trying to buy us drinks but we had crazy guap. We bought mad shots then we bought a bottle of Moet. U should have seen the way dudes was lookin at us when we popped our bottles (those girls on 132nd must not get no money). This one dude tried to play me like I was a bartender carrying drink, I was like,"Nigga I bought this." He really aint believe me but oh well.
I really hadnt plan on going but Real's Lounge was dead and I was like I'm going to PJs and how like 5 niggas out of Real's followed us. lol. Its nice to have groupies. It was crazy how all the dudes I grew up was in PJs. Going to the bar was like an initiation and I'm glad my oldest associates was there. It was pretty. I can see how you can get addicted to popping tags and bottles. Its an unassuming vice.
We going again tonight hope dey ready.

(I celebrate my birthday the whole month of march)

Indeed...

the ones closest to God stand closest to the speakers

No relation to Assata but...

we did go to the same high school and there is social room in my college with her name. Me being a Pisces I ask myself somtimes, "Is this a sign?"

I Didn't Know Jesus was such a Schizo and Continent hopper

Dionysus -Greece 500 BC, "King of Kings", December 25th, born of a virgin, performed miracles, crucified
Horus- Egyptian, 3000 b.c., born December 25th, born of a virgin, teachicer at 12, performed miracles, crucified, resurrected
Attis- Greece 1200 BC, born December 25th to a virgin, crucified and resurrected
Krisna - India 900 B.C., "Star in the East", performed miracles, born of a virginresurrected after his death
Mithra - Persia 1200 BC, born of a virgin, born December 25th, 12 disciples, performed miracles, dead for 3 days and resurrected, worshipped on Sunday

(There are at least 20 dieties with the same makeup; virgin birth, healed the sick, disciples, born on December 25th, betrayal, resurection blah blah blah)

Look up these many faces of Jesus or you can click on this lovely link http://www.truthzonetv.com/view_video.php?video_id=127



stay awake

**chuch**

Being Bipolar Sucks....

so I'm going to Honduras. I'm tired of being angry, hyper and horny all the time. How long can you "hang wid the homeys"? How long can you "goon" for other niggas? In my former line of "work" being bipolar is an advantage (i.e. you can get hit wid several fist and in that blood drunk rage you can have the hands of a demons...and you will b rewarded for your barbarism). Just because your being paid dont mean your not being used. How long can you hurt other folk before they pay your courtesy back to you?
I came to this decision rather quickly. Passport soon come to I. I been saving my money so long I didn't know what I was gonna spend it on until I watched Rock Docs: Last Days of Left of Left Eye. I was touched spitually just watching her. You can truly find yourself in solitude. You ever wake up and you felt like you was still "sleeping"? That's how I felt all my life until January 30 2k8. Since I'm on such a fast track to self realization it would be a shame to stop now wouldnt it? 30 days of wood and root tonic beat out a lifetime of ignorance...at least in my case


**chuch**

Pen Flood

I wrote so many verses, haikus and unformatted love and anti love notes I'm considering completing a compilation as opposed to a chapbook. I do have 5 notebooks of fire. I wanted to do it in chronological order because you can see where I'm progressing as a writer and a human being. (I'm using the term human very loosely). I got sum drawings, paintings and artistic photos I wanna put in there too. Its basically going to be a poem autobiography.
Me and Judy should do a choreopoem together. Just sumthing I was thinking about, keep it in mind Juju.
The only question now is do I wait and publish under my own company or get into a contractual agreement with the powers that be...hmm...my company sounds better...

Note to readers: I dont write nothing unless its backed by facts or my intuition and the posts that soon come up require a lot of research, I dont want nothing to be jumbled. So be patient you b happy when I get it up there all pretty and essay likeish

Best Friend (Sunday Conversation)

Lil 1- He aint gonna bring her back here. They both scared
Gigi- I wasn't even going to Spaz...he said she wasnt talking bout me I wanted to hear it in person. I dont like that beat round the bush shit
Lil 1- You got too much pride.
Gigi- I know
Lil 1- And it dont matter you know why?
Gigi- Why?
Lil 1- Because whatever he told her about you she gonna believe
Gigi- True
Lil 1- And they are "pop people" they want publicity and you arguing wid that dummy making her look important...she aint and they both wack...feel better?
Gigi- yea
Lil 1- Aight so lets go to your house so i can study

House of Dean (Dereon dont never get this flyy)

Only in Harlem. In the family of the Dean's would a wake and funeral be turned into a fashionshow. I ain't never see that much mink in my life. No animal is safe in the presence of the Deans. It was poppin. Yeah we cried. Yea we argued. But it was all copacetic. I met my sum long lost cousins of mine that quickly dubbed me they "favorite cousin" I think it had something to do with the 10 dollar bills I gave them each. lol. I ate so much fried chicken I wanted to do that Teyano Taylor dance. lol. But nothing was better than when all my grandfather's grandkids came to my house and we smoked massive greenery, had Pineapple Malibus (my drink of choice and expertise) and made plans for a Dean BBQ. It's good to bound with genuine family members that dont look down on you because you live in Harlem.
And I go a dance after I bury my dead so my sister took me to Bud's we was both wearing white and red (looking flyy Damu style), poppin Mo, pushing our groupies off us, telling the DJ what sounded good. You know, how we usually do it...and when that calypso came over the speakers I knew my grandaddy was wid me. Forever.

Life Lesson- When going to meet your maker make sure you suited and booted....